...and nothing ever happened in science again.

Oh my God! Two posts in one day? Are you dreaming? Pinch yourself. Right now, do it. Nope, you're awake. The Ninjaneer must be on a crack high.

I couldn't resist passing this on. One of my favorite rant subjects, CNN.com, just did something so beautifully asinine I'm actually gleeful. Seriously, I'm grinning like an idiot with the potential for ridicule. Where to begin?

As you may have noticed over the course of forever, CNN.com's science reporting has always been the equivalent of a five-year-old watching 30 minutes of Discovery Channel and then explaining what it was about. They catch some key phrases and the general gist, but usually butcher the details or leave them out altogether.

Well -- No more! That's right, CNN.com will never again post another horribly inept science article, because as you can read here, they're SHUTTING DOWN their entire Space, Science and Tech section!

Can you imagine the conversation in the board room? No? Allow me to help:

CNN.com President: How are things in Science and Tech?

CNN.com Sci/Tech Editor: Der, gahhhhhhhhhhhhh-thppt.

President: What?

Features Editor: Sorry, sir, he was, like, totally leaning against the stairwell door this morning trying to clean his ears with, you know, those scissors he's always running around with, and--

President: Yeah, Okay. Anyone know how things are in Science and Tech?

Opinions Editor: Sir, Science and Tech has never received a single complimentary Letter to the Editor, and this chart shows our customer feedback ranks it the worst Science writing since--

President: Is that chart in crayon? What happened to those laser printers we ordered?

Opinions Editor: The...Oh. We thought those were really big, slow laser toasters.

President: Okay, we need to seriously improve Science and Tech. Suggestions?

Features Editor: Could we, like, get a new geek? Who, like, knows about light bulbs and fancy gizmos and stuff?

Opinions Editor: We should get a robot to do it. I bet the Apple Store has something.

Sci/Tech Editor: Blub-blub-blub-blub motorBOAT!

President: Ugh. Never mind, lets just shut it down, fill the Science office up with sand, and get some Tonka Trucks in there or something.

Everyone: Yay! A sandbox!

I'll miss you, CNN Science section.

Dr. Evil is involved in this somehow...

Check out these insane pictures of the nearly-completed Large Hadron Collider. I could try to explain what it does, but since I don't really understand it I'll just say it's an evil genius physics machine that smashes particles together and might possibly destroy all of mankind by creating a black hole on Earth. But that last part is really unlikely. And the pictures are really cool.

Happy 50th birthday, NASA.

And next time some jackass says to you "Why the hell are we spending money on the space program," point them at this article listing 50 NASA technology contributions to the world. Okay, they snuck one or two non-tech items onto the list, but for the most part it's a list of technology spinoffs that have benefited non-space industries and average people on Earth for decades.

But hey, if you still think half a cent per tax dollar is a ripoff, you're entitled to your opinion.

Why are we encouraging a Monkey-Robot Alliance?!

Monkeys: Cute, lovable, mentally-deficient ancient ancestors who we dress up in funny costumes for our entertainment, and who we occasionally find useful as test subjects for the next wonder-drug. But one look in their tiny monkey faces reveals the same warning which is found in their DNA; within their genetic code lies much the same potential that is found in our own, for good and ill.

Robots: Do not be fooled by the innocent prototypes that vacuum your carpet, or the more complex versions that build cars in giant assembly lines in Detroit; these, too, are but idiot cousins to a possible future enemy of all mankind - intelligent, evil machines, bent on destroying their creators and seizing the planet for themselves.

Hollywood has tried to warn us of these twin dangers countless times. Who can forget poor Charlton Heston, and his eventual and much-less-competent successor Marky Mark, in their losing struggles against a planetful of super-evolved apes and their anti-human bigotry? Or Keanu Reeves' valiant fight against a race of machines of our own creation, turned twisted and evil, and with an insidiously annoying penchant for talking way, way too much?

These movies showed us that both of these evil beings would enslave us: Monkeys would use us as beasts of burden; machines see us as an upgrade to the lithium-ion battery. Surely, then, it would be the sheerest folly for humanity to thrust these two potential destroyers of men together, to provide them with an opportunity for communion and conspiracy.

And yet, somehow, science has failed to heed these warnings. I ask you, if we continue down this path, how much longer will it be before someone utters the dreaded words of two combined nightmares: "Take your cold mechanical hands off me, you damn dirty robo-ape!"

It may already be too late to stop such an alliance, which means we have only one possible path to survival. Initially, at least, the strength of robotic apes will be confined to the digital and tropical realms. We must, therefore, strengthen our currently shaky relationship with polar bears, who have no love of the robots themselves, and work in secret to perfect vacuum-tube and other analog-based technologies, so that when the future war comes, we are prepared.

Yeah, work was slow today.