Exercise (Warning: This post contains bad jokes, even for me.)

If you haven’t exercised in a few months, let me give you some tips I have learned for getting back in the habit:

1) Don’t.

Look, if you want to try it, go ahead. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you, it's gonna hurt. What's that? It adds ten or twenty years to your life? Pah. The universe is billions of years old, what’s ten or twenty years compared to that? Over that time period, ten or twenty years is well within the margin of error of your supposed exercise-extends-your-life study.

(Note: Ninjaneers are not required to take statistics. I did, but I rejected it based on my own definitive study of its effectiveness, which had a sample size of two coin flips. Fifty-fifty is a myth.)

Okay, okay, I hear you evangelicals hollering about that “billions” number. Not that I know any evangelicals (…that I know of! Wink, wink) but I can hear you anyway. God gave me psychic powers. And you’re saying “Hey, ten or twenty years looks a lot bigger when you realize the universe is only six thousand years old, not billions!”

Two things.

A) You just used math to compare two numbers. As you know, math is the devil’s tool and it is totally unreliable.

B) To God, time isn’t time. It’s just the fourth dimension in this whole space-time thing he created. Imagine a three dimension coordinate axis. There’s the X-direction, the Y-direction, and the Z-direction. Three arrows. But God, in his infinite hilarity, made this fourth arrow, and it’s invisible to everyone but him, and it points in a direction that no one can imagine. And then he created us, and made it so no matter which way we turn, we’re always walking in the same direction down that freaking time arrow. He think’s its funny as hell.

Still with me? (Seriously? You must be bored.) Here’s my point. Say God exists and is responsible for all the content of the modern Bible. He would have had to convert the age of the Earth from God units to human units. Look, humans can’t even keep human units straight, and we made them up. Remember when NASA lost that Mars probe a few years ago? Units are a bitch. So it is totally reasonable if God got a decimal place in the wrong column when he was editing that book of his. Trust me, he told me so when he gave me the psychic powers. It’s billions.

Anyway, I digress. To recap, if you haven’t exercised in a while and you are thinking about starting up again, follow these steps:

1) Don’t.
2) If you somehow fucked up tip #1, you might be okay. Just don’t ever, ever stop exercising again.
3) If you fucked up tip #2, what can I say. You’re retarded or something. Get a beer and go back to tip #1.

P.S. The reason this post is so long is because I can't freaking walk right now. I fucked up tip #1.