The Fay Buchanan email

Dan suggested I start a blog, and then Dan demanded this be my first post. Sounds like Dan should get a blog. Anyway, originally written as an email on Super Tuesday...

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I've got MSNBC on in the background while I work (not CNN...CNN is dead to me), and I thought you might like to know that the Republicans are cannibalizing themselves to an insane degree that is coming to a head in the physical incarnation of Fay Buchanan, who is currently working for the Romney campaign, and who I predict will be dead by the end of the night from one of the following causes:

1) Her fangs clog and her venom sac ruptures, and she chokes to death on her own venom.
2) In her zeal to explain how life-long Republican McCain isn't conservative enough and 2-year Republican Romney is the heart of the conservative movement, she forgets to inhale and suffocates.
3) A studio aide closes the door to the room she is in, and the accumulation of smoke from her fire-breathing kills her by asphyxiation.
4) The depth and contortion of her scowling frown continue to grow at the same exponential pace as her bitterness until it tears her face in two.
5) Angry evangelicals form a mob, grab their torches and pitchforks and break into the studio to burn the witch who dares call their preacher candidate a self-serving lowlife who is selling out the unborn.
6) Death by pretzel.
7) Lynn Cheney enters the studio to aide the Smear McCain effort in person, but their shared passions draw them inexorably into a horrid bestial lesbian romp, which is cut thankfully short when their husbands arrive to first ogle and then stone them to death as Jesus would demand.
8) Dick Cheney mistakes her shrieking for a captive bird and unloads with his shotgun.
9) Huckabee calls in a favor. Lightning, a falling satellite, or a spontaneous plague of locusts do her in.
10) Someone spills water on her. She leaves behind only her clothes, smoke, and an uncontrollable horde of flying monkeys.

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Now that Romney has done the graceful thing and ended his candidacy to prevent the terrorists from winning, maybe Fay can find something more relaxing to do and escape these fates.